Because I have this wonderful space to share with you all my philosophy about the world... I mean my internship experience.. I would like to share with y'all (friends, family, future and current interns) what I've learned about loneliness. A topic that nearly everyone will experience at one point or another.
Before I left for Washington I came to terms with the fact that there were going to be days, perhaps only hours, or maybe even weeks where I was going to feel very lonely. I accepted that moving to a city where I literally do not know a single person, even the other Hinckley interns, was going to be hard at times. Although I accepted this challenge and wanted to get out of my comfort zone without a familiar face to hold my hand through the process, sometimes the loneliness sets in and the major changes I'm making in my life start to feel a little scary. Having time to be alone in your own head and look at who you really are what you’re doing with your life without distractions is scary.
Before I left for Washington I also severed a relationship in my life that provided a major crutch so that we could both grow and be happy. Often times I find myself wishing I had this crutch to support me. Someone to validate my frustrations on the bad days, and acknowledge my accomplishments on the good ones. For most of my adult life I have had a crutch, been in a relationship that provided me with security and comfort. Although I've always had my independence and have taken many adventures on my own, I almost always knew that there was someone back home waiting. This time I am more on my own than I ever have been. I am not sure where I will be living or what I will be doing when this semester is over. There's a large chance I'll be in a foreign country I've never been to before. Not having a plan can be a little scary. I would be lying if I told you the adventures I choose to take in my life and the independence I have created for myself don't scare me to death sometimes. This adventure is no different.
I guess what it all comes down to is the fear of being alone. This is something I have struggled with in the past, and a challenge I will probably run into again in the future. But you know what I think is worse than being alone? Living with the fact that you’re not happy by yourself. Constantly searching for the person or the "thing" that’s going to fill the empty spaces. Its taken a lot of time, but I’ve learned to find so much joy in doing things by myself, for myself. Whether its hitting the gym downstairs at 6:30 AM and feeling the post-workout high, laughing because I can't seem to go an entire day without spilling something on myself, walking through a new museum, or learning a pointless fact that no one will ever care about, I know there are countless opportunities throughout the day to find happiness. Accomplishing goals, making positive changes, and becoming an overall better person all have to come from within.
These are the things, I believe, that make our lives worth living and our relationships worth having. Maybe I'll be in a relationship again one day or maybe I won't. Either way, I hope I'll be able to say that I'm living every day a little better. I've learned that happiness is not a destination or something that anyone can ultimately give you. Happiness is something you decide you're good enough for, and then you go out and get it
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