For some of you this will come as no surprise at all, and to others this might be very shocking. Here it is: for the last two years I've struggled with an eating disorder. Surprise! I'm human, this is one of the battles I've been fighting.
My story is very similar to many others who have struggled with body image. Like most kids, growing up I ate whatever I wanted and generally kept in good shape through exercising simply when I wanted to, because I liked it. I never, and still don't, feel any pressure from the media to be thin. However, like many college freshman I gained some weight and was severely unhappy about it. At first I started eating healthier and exercising more the right way and saw some weight loss. Eventually I decided to take things seriously and completed a strict diet. After seeing some weight loss and finally allowing myself some junk food, I completely spun out of control. I binged on everything I could, felt extremely guilty about it, and started the cycle all over again. I would restrict to 600-800 calories a day, work out for an hour/hour and a half, keep it up for a few weeks and then binge. Each time I "relapsed" I would feel super guilty and start the cycle all over again. No amount of weight I lost was ever good enough. I would check my body in the mirror probably 20-30 times a day and each time I would judge it. Instead of noticing my progress, I would see all the things wrong with it. I am a perfectionist by nature and picking apart my body was no different. I became absolutely obsessed and eating healthy/working out was all I could ever think or talk about. Relationships, friends, and school all came second to my lifestyle and I was perfectly happy with it.
In about October of last year I discovered "If It fits your macros (lIFYM)." This diet strategy involves recording every single bite of food you put into your mouth until you hit the number of protein, carbs, and fats for the day that will allow you to lose weight, build muscle, etc. according to your goals. I followed IIFYM religiously. If I were a gram or two off on my carbs, I would freak out. If I my friends or family were going out to eat I would either freak out over the menu and what I would have that would fit my macros or not go out at all. The great thing about IIFYM is you can eat anything you want as long as you stay in your allotted macro allowance. So, I was able to incorporate junk foods here and there, lessening the binges. I had been following IIFYM and exercising religiously up until about a month and a half ago and saw some great results. I was so strict with it that I would not allow my roommates or friends bites of my food because I knew that it would throw off my macro count for the day... insane right? Just wait, it gets worse. Eventually my body got used to eating the same amount of food everyday and I would go to bed extremely hungry. One day I bought a pack of gum that I had been chewing for a while, looked at the ingredients, and realized that it had 2 grams of carbs per stick. I bought this gum often and realized that I was not incorporating those two grams of carbs into my macros for the day. I. Freaked. Out. I thought, "Oh my gosh, there's 2 grams of carbs I haven't been tracking, everything is off, I am going to have to start counting the carbs in gum and eat less fruit or something." After I had this thought and realized how completely insane I sounded, I finally decided to do something about the disordered thoughts I've been dealing with for so long.
Why? What is the point? Why keep torturing myself counting my food, obsessing over the gym, and critiquing the way my body looks everyday? Obsession over health is not healthy. I never wanted to be that girl. Why miss out on eating good food that I love and enjoying meals out with friends and family? The reality of the matter is, unless its an extreme circumstance, the amount of vanity fat on your body really shouldn't matter. If you feel good and can accomplish your daily activities and exercise effectively, who cares what the scale says. Years down the road we are not going to remember how flat our stomachs were or how great we looked in that bikini. We are going to remember our life experiences, great times with friends and family, our travels, and hopefully a few great lessons along the way. When I'm on my death bed I want to be able to look back and say that I was active and healthy, yes, but I also want to be able to say I prioritized my friends and family over everything else and lived in the moment as much as humanly possible. Obsession over body image only gets in the way of that. I don't care how great your daily workout is, it can never replace the precious moments of time you spend with the important people in your life. Think about the person you look up to most in your life and why you care about them so much. Did what they weigh or what size jeans they fit in to even cross your mind? No.
We love, or at least we should love, people in our lives for their genuine personalities and not for anything else. I don't look at other people and determine their worth by what they look like, so why am I doing it to myself? I realized I should be eating healthy and working out because it makes everyday better, not worse. Feeling constant anxiety over working out, what I'm going to eat, and what my body looks like is no way to live. Miss a day at the gym? A few days? Weeks or a month? Who cares. There is literally no point in hating yourself fit. Body acceptance is something that should happen at any and every weight. We need to love our bodies for all they can do and at any body fat percentage. Being lazy is one thing, taking time off from exercising or eating healthy for your sanity, friends, or school is completely different. I've realized that telling myself "I'll be happy with my body when it looks like (insert goal)" is completely absurd. No matter what we look like its all as beautiful as the person inside, and that's what matters. Getting to our own definitions of healthy is a personal journey that each individual takes for his or herself. Living up to someone else's standard of what is physically beautiful is going to do nothing but bring negativity and anxiety into your life. Find a balance with nutrition, fitness, and rest that works for you. Some days are good, some days are bad, this is life, and I believe that balance and moderation in all things is truly the key to happiness.
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