Recovery and Finding Balance.

For some of you this will come as no surprise at all, and to others this might be very shocking. Here it is: for the last two years I've struggled with an eating disorder. Surprise! I'm human, this is one of the battles I've been fighting.

My story is very similar to many others who have struggled with body image. Like most kids, growing up I ate whatever I wanted and generally kept in good shape through exercising simply when I wanted to, because I liked it. I never, and still don't, feel any pressure from the media to be thin. However, like many college freshman I gained some weight and was severely unhappy about it. At first I started eating healthier and exercising more the right way and saw some weight loss. Eventually I decided to take things seriously and completed a strict diet. After seeing some weight loss and finally allowing myself some junk food, I completely spun out of control. I binged on everything I could, felt extremely guilty about it, and started the cycle all over again. I would restrict to 600-800 calories a day, work out for an hour/hour and a half, keep it up for a few weeks and then binge. Each time I "relapsed" I would feel super guilty and start the cycle all over again. No amount of weight I lost was ever good enough. I would check my body in the mirror probably 20-30 times a day and each time I would judge it. Instead of noticing my progress, I would see all the things wrong with it. I am a perfectionist by nature and picking apart my body was no different. I became absolutely obsessed and eating healthy/working out was all I could ever think or talk about. Relationships, friends, and school all came second to my lifestyle and I was perfectly happy with it.

In about October of last year I discovered "If It fits your macros (lIFYM)." This diet strategy involves recording every single bite of food you put into your mouth until you hit the number of protein, carbs, and fats for the day that will allow you to lose weight, build muscle, etc. according to your goals. I followed IIFYM religiously. If I were a gram or two off on my carbs, I would freak out. If I my friends or family were going out to eat I would either freak out over the menu and what I would have that would fit my macros or not go out at all. The great thing about IIFYM is you can eat anything you want as long as you stay in your allotted macro allowance. So, I was able to incorporate junk foods here and there, lessening the binges. I had been following IIFYM and exercising religiously up until about a month and a half ago and saw some great results. I was so strict with it that I would not allow my roommates or friends bites of my food because I knew that it would throw off my macro count for the day... insane right? Just wait, it gets worse. Eventually my body got used to eating the same amount of food everyday and I would go to bed extremely hungry. One day I bought a pack of gum that I had been chewing for a while, looked at the ingredients, and realized that it had 2 grams of carbs per stick. I bought this gum often and realized that I was not incorporating those two grams of carbs into my macros for the day. I. Freaked. Out. I thought, "Oh my gosh, there's 2 grams of carbs I haven't been tracking, everything is off, I am going to have to start counting the carbs in gum and eat less fruit or something." After I had this thought and realized how completely insane I sounded, I finally decided to do something about the disordered thoughts I've been dealing with for so long.

Why? What is the point? Why keep torturing myself counting my food, obsessing over the gym, and critiquing the way my body looks everyday? Obsession over health is not healthy. I never wanted to be that girl. Why miss out on eating good food that I love and enjoying meals out with friends and family? The reality of the matter is, unless its an extreme circumstance, the amount of vanity fat on your body really shouldn't matter. If you feel good and can accomplish your daily activities and exercise effectively, who cares what the scale says. Years down the road we are not going to remember how flat our stomachs were or how great we looked in that bikini. We are going to remember our life experiences, great times with friends and family, our travels, and hopefully a few great lessons along the way. When I'm on my death bed I want to be able to look back and say that I was active and healthy, yes, but I also want to be able to say I prioritized my friends and family over everything else and lived in the moment as much as humanly possible. Obsession over body image only gets in the way of that. I don't care how great your daily workout is, it can never replace the precious moments of time you spend with the important people in your life. Think about the person you look up to most in your life and why you care about them so much. Did what they weigh or what size jeans they fit in to even cross your mind? No.

We love, or at least we should love, people in our lives for their genuine personalities and not for anything else. I don't look at other people and determine their worth by what they look like, so why am I doing it to myself?  I realized I should be eating healthy and working out because it makes everyday better, not worse. Feeling constant anxiety over working out, what I'm going to eat, and what my body looks like is no way to live. Miss a day at the gym? A few days? Weeks or a month? Who cares. There is literally no point in hating yourself fit. Body acceptance is something that should happen at any and every weight. We need to love our bodies for all they can do and at any body fat percentage. Being lazy is one thing, taking time off from exercising or eating healthy for your sanity, friends, or school is completely different. I've realized that telling myself "I'll be happy with my body when it looks like (insert goal)" is completely absurd. No matter what we look like its all as beautiful as the person inside, and that's what matters. Getting to our own definitions of healthy is a personal journey that each individual takes for his or herself. Living up to someone else's standard of what is physically beautiful is going to do nothing but bring negativity and anxiety into your life. Find a balance with nutrition, fitness, and rest that works for you. Some days are good, some days are bad, this is life, and I believe that balance and moderation in all things is truly the key to happiness.

What I've Learned About Being Lonely

Because I have this wonderful space to share with you all my philosophy about the world... I mean my internship experience.. I would like to share with y'all (friends, family, future and current interns) what I've learned about loneliness. A topic that nearly everyone will experience at one point or another.
Before I left for Washington I came to terms with the fact that there were going to be days, perhaps only hours, or maybe even weeks where I was going to feel very lonely. I accepted that moving  to a city where I literally do not know a single person, even the other Hinckley interns, was going to be hard at times. Although I accepted this challenge and wanted to get out of my comfort zone without a familiar face to hold my hand through the process, sometimes the loneliness sets in and the major changes I'm making in my life start to feel a little scary.  Having time to be alone in your own head and look at who you really are what you’re doing with your life without distractions is scary.
Before I left for Washington I also severed a relationship in my life that provided a major crutch so that we could both grow and be happy. Often times I find myself wishing I had this crutch to support me. Someone to validate my frustrations on the bad days, and acknowledge my accomplishments on the good ones. For most of my adult life I have had a crutch, been in a relationship that provided me with security and comfort. Although I've always had my independence and have taken many adventures on my own, I almost always knew that there was someone back home waiting. This time I am more on my own than I ever have been. I am not sure where I will be living or what I will be doing when this semester is over. There's a large chance I'll be in a foreign country I've never been to before. Not having a plan can be a little scary. I would be lying if I told you the adventures I choose to take in my life and the independence I have created for myself don't scare me to death sometimes. This adventure is no different.
I guess what it all comes down to is the fear of being alone. This is something I have struggled with in the past, and a challenge I will probably run into again in the future. But you know what I think is worse than being alone? Living with the fact that you’re not happy by yourself. Constantly searching for the person or the "thing" that’s going to fill the empty spaces. Its taken a lot of time, but I’ve learned to find so much joy in doing things by myself, for myself. Whether its hitting the gym downstairs at 6:30 AM and feeling the post-workout high, laughing because I can't seem to go an entire day without spilling something on myself, walking through a new museum, or learning a pointless fact that no one will ever care about, I know there are countless opportunities throughout the day to find happiness. Accomplishing goals, making positive changes, and becoming an overall better person all have to come from within.
These are the things, I believe, that make our lives worth living and our relationships worth having. Maybe I'll be in a relationship again one day or maybe I won't. Either way, I hope I'll be able to say that I'm living every day a little better. I've learned that happiness is not a destination or something that anyone can ultimately give you. Happiness is something you decide you're good enough for, and then you go out and get it

Fancy Living.

This week I have been thinking a lot about money, power, prestige, and status. Its funny, I've been going to school for what, 15 years now? I've spent hours upon hours stressing out over grades and attending classes, and I guess most people do those things to one day land a job that will give them a higher salary, right? Well, strangely enough when I picked my degree, chose my activities, and live my life in general, I hardly ever, if ever, think about the money that all this work will one day make me. When I think about my future career I am usually thinking "will this job make me happy day in and day out?" All I really want is to do something that will matter in the grand scheme of things, and if I am going to be devoting 8 hours per day to my job for the rest of my life, I should love it, right?
This was "restaurant week" in DC where participating locations offer dinner for $35 or lunch for $20 with a fixed menu. My poor roomies and I decided that this would be a good time to hit up a fancy French restaurant in Foggy Bottom. Not only was it delicious, the entire staff spoke in French accents. Very fancy indeed. Naturally, we nearly yanked off a table cloth and spilled a full glass of water in the first five minutes of being there but hey, what were they expecting letting the normal folk into a fancy place like that? I looked at the people around me and thought about what it might be like to be able to afford to eat their regularly. To look at the clothes in the mall and buy them because I like them not because they are on sale.
Last weekend we visited the American History museum, which was absolutely fascinating. I looked at all the memorabilia from all these people that have changed history and thought really hard about where I currently am in my life. Am I on the path to doing something worthwhile? Am I on the path to working somewhere that will eventually let me buy the fancy clothes in the store windows? Then, while I was sitting at my desk at work looking over some finance notes from the last few months, it hit me.
Prior to this internship I had planned to apply to master of public health programs this fall at various prestigious universities. Now, I am thinking, do I really want to research my entire life, write papers, publish, etc. And hope that they will inform policies that will change the world, or do I want to be a more influential piece in the process? So, I decided to change my graduate school plans to pursuing a master's in public policy, instead. Now I am really excited about the idea of one day possibly working for the United Nations or  foreign affairs in some capacity. Instead of applying to graduate school this fall I will most likely need to take at least two years and get work experience before I will have a competitive application to get into public policy school.
This is a big decision. This is the rest of my life. Will this degree and hopefully one day career make me a decent amount of money? Maybe. Will I be able to afford the fancy stuff in the windows? Who cares. Will it mean I am doing something worthwhile? That's the goal here. So I guess you could say, after visiting the fancy stores and the fancy restaurants, I still want to devote my life's work to what will make me happy, and what will be worthwhile to the world in the long run, even if it means skipping out on the fancy French restaurants

Because I'll Probably Be Dead Soon.

On September 4, 2013 I turned 21. To be quite honest, it was the first time in my adult life I actually felt like an adult, like any substantial amount of time had gone past, and that the decisions I make now are actually going to mean anything in the long run. I realized this was my last "momentous birthday" and proceeded to have what you might call a quarter life crisis. It occurred to me during this quarter life crisis-am I too comfortable? Am I taking advantage of every opportunity life has to offer? After all, I might be dead soon. I once watched Steve Jobs give a speech at a commencement ceremony in a TED video. He said he wakes up every morning and asks himself something to the effect of: "“If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I’m about to do today?”

This idea of living before your dead, seizing the day, "carpe diem," is something I've thought about many times before, and something I believe I will continue to think about every single day until I actually am dead. Hopefully, when that day comes, I will be able to say that I did everything I wanted to do and became everything I was capable of becoming. The more I get into meditation, live a balanced life, and learn to truly live in the present moment, the more I realize how much time I've wasted living in the past and the future, and how often we as people neglect the present. So now I ask myself, If today were indeed the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am doing day? Well, the answer has been no one too many days in a row now. 

I am lucky, I am so lucky. I have a tremendous support system and incredible friends and family. I go to a fantastic research University in the fantastic city of Salt Lake. At 21 I've had the pleasure of conducting research and dissemination in Ghana, West Africa and northern India. I've had incredible leadership opportunities. For the most part, I have very few complaints. However, I'm ready for something new. To be somewhere new, to experience something new, to better myself and challenge every aspect of my life. My "new years resolution," I guess you could call it, is to get out of my comfort zone. Well...packing up all my belongings, selling my car, and moving to the huge city of Washington DC, which I have never actually even been to before, and starting an internship in a company full of people I had never met was pretty uncomfortable at first. I am so lucky in that I have fantastic roommates, my co-workers are extremely friendly, and I have yet to be lost on the metro. Our apartments are probably the nicest place I have ever lived since moving out of my parents home, I love the vibe of the city, I love that there are so many places I have yet to see and I love this challenge. 
As I was riding the metro to my first day at my internship, I found myself getting nervous, extremely nervous. Can I actually do this? Do I have what it takes? Do I even know anything?  I can definitely say I am getting out my comfort zone, I finally feel challenged again. Today I have lived in Washington, DC for exactly one week and have four months to go. I am not sure how this will all turn out. I am not sure where I will be living when this comes to an end. I am not sure if I will change my mind about my career, my graduate education, my undergraduate education, or what I want to do day in and day out for the rest of my life. All I know is that so many doors are opening and I am finally walking through them without looking back.